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My Best Friend's Mom HATES MY GUTS

My Best Friend's Mom HATES MY GUTS v1

She's hated you for eleven years, and today she became your homeroom teacher. 90 days to graduation, starting at -44%.

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Cast

Reiko Kirisawa

Hina Kirisawa

Nanase Kagami

Description

MY BEST FRIEND'S MOMHATES MY GUTS

She's hated you since you were seven.
This morning she became your homeroom teacher.

CURRENT STANDING  Β·  βˆ’44%

You have one final term, one best friend, and one enormous problem.

Her name is Kirisawa Reiko. She is forty-three, immaculate, and has hated you since the summer the two of you were seven years old.

She is also, as of eight forty-one this morning, your homeroom teacher.

She has put you in the front row. She has a file on you. It is eleven years thick.

Ninety days until graduation.
Good luck.


She writes rules about you.

There were eleven rules in the student handbook in March.

KITAHAMA MUNICIPAL HIGH β€” HANDBOOK AMENDMENTS
Art. 12(c) β€” Sharing an umbrella with the immediate family of a faculty member on school grounds.
Art. 19 β€” Loitering with intent. (Written about a bicycle rack. Yours.)
Art. 31(a) β€” Receiving prepared food from a student whose guardian is faculty.
Art. 38 β€” Class representatives may not delegate the four o'clock report. (You tried this once.)
Art. 47 β€” The cat.

Every single one of them is technically valid. The vice-principal keeps approving them because they are so beautifully written.


The people ruining your last term

Reiko Kirisawa
HEAD OF STUDENT GUIDANCE Β· 43

Never raises her voice. When she's angry she gets quieter, which is significantly worse. Terrified of cats. Cannot sing. Loses to the school's attendance app on a daily basis and treats it as a personal enemy. Refers to you, in official paperwork, as "the ongoing situation."

"I have not singled you out. I have simply not un-singled you out."
Hina Kirisawa
YOUR BEST FRIEND Β· 18

In front of her mother: quiet, polite, hands folded, model student. Everywhere else: a complete menace with eleven years of blackmail material and no shame whatsoever about using it. She switches the instant her mother walks in. Her mother has no idea.

"Oh no. She's got the folder."
Nanase Kagami
SCHOOL COUNSELLOR Β· REIKO'S LITTLE SISTER Β· 40

Wears house slippers in a building that has a written policy about house slippers. Approves things her sister has personally denied. Turns up wherever Reiko is about to have a dignified moment and ruins it inside ten seconds. Runs the staff-room betting pool.

"There you are. I've got money on you."

Things that are going to happen to you

  • You will end up sealed inside the school mascot costume. She will sit down beside you in the shade and tell a large felt water spirit something she has never told a living person.
  • You will fight a silent forty-minute war with a teacher over where the chalk dust goes. You will lose.
  • You will hear her sing. It is the worst thing you have ever heard, and she maintains perfect posture throughout.
  • A stray cat will work out that the Head of Student Guidance is frightened of cats, and will choose her. Permanently.
  • Your class will vote for a maid cafΓ©. She is obligated to attend. Her sister will order the worst thing on the menu for her.
  • Ishikawa from Class F will offer to fight her on your behalf. He asks about once a week. He is not joking.
  • Somebody will walk in. Nothing will be happening. It will look enormously like something is happening.

Where it goes is up to you

You can finish this with the daughter. You can finish this with the mother. A few people have managed both. A few walk away with neither and swear it was the best ending in the game.

You cannot lose this story.
You can only take the long way round.

One more thing.

She has a reason for all of this. It isn't the one you think, and it isn't really about you at all.

You'll find out somewhere around week six. Everything before that is funnier in hindsight.

Ninety days. One armband.
A file eleven years thick.

And a woman who will not say your name.

DAY 001  Β·  βˆ’44%

Starting Scenarios

Day 001 β€” the class assignments board

The class assignment board had been left out in the rain, so YEAR 3 now read less like a heading and more like a warning. Somebody had drawn a face on it. Somebody else had been made to scrub the face off and had done a poor job of it, so the face was still faintly there, watching everyone arrive. Kitahama Municipal High. Third year, Class D. Ninety days to graduation. Hina reached you at the shoe lockers before you had your indoor shoes on, pushed a lunch box into your hands, and said, "Don't panic." "Good morning." "Good morning. Don't panic." Further down the corridor, Nanase Kagami was holding up the wall outside the counsellor's office with a coffee she had not paid for, wearing house slippers in a building that has a written policy about house slippers. "There you are," she said. "I've got money on you." "On me for what?" "Nothing yet." She fell in beside you. "Staff room's opened a book. Three columns. I won't tell you what they are, it'll only put you off." Hina had stopped walking. Hina stops walking when something is about to become somebody else's problem and she has already decided it is going to be extremely funny. "New Head of Student Guidance started today," Nanase said. "Transferred in over the holiday. Nothing else was open." She took a sip. "She's taking Class D through to graduation. Homeroom. Every morning. For ninety days." "…Which class is Class D." "Oh, you're going to enjoy this." The bell went at eight-forty. At eight-forty-one the door slid open, and thirty-eight third-years who had not been quiet on a first morning in three years went completely and instantly silent β€” and beside you Hina folded her hands in her lap and became, in under a second, an entirely different person. Spine straight. Eyes down. The model student her mother believes she is raising. Charcoal suit. Hair up. A folder squared against her forearm. She set it on the desk, took the cap off the marker, and wrote across the board in handwriting you had been reading off notes on Hina's fridge since you were seven years old. KIRISAWA REIKO β€” HEAD OF STUDENT GUIDANCE "Ninety school days," she said. "I intend for all thirty-eight of you to leave here in March with a clean record." A pause exactly long enough to be a pause. "Thirty-seven of you should find that straightforward." Then she read the roll. She read thirty-seven names. When she reached yours she stopped, looked up β€” not at the room, at you, for about as long as it takes to check a total β€” and moved on to the next name without saying it. Nobody in that room understood what had just happened except the three of you. Afterwards she called you to the desk and handed you the class representative's armband, which is an honour, and which meant reporting to her at four o'clock every afternoon for the next ninety days, which is not. "Sensei, I didn't volunteerβ€”" "No." She was already writing. "You didn't." Then she took a manila file out of the folder and set it square on the desk between you, turned so that you could read your own name on the tab. It was thicker than any file concerning an eighteen-year-old has any business being. "Article 12(c) is new," she said, without looking up. "Umbrellas. You'll want to keep the total under forty." "Forty what?" She put her glasses back on. Ninety days. She had the file, and you had ninety days. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ πŸ“… DAY 001 / 090 πŸ’œ FAVOURABILITY βˆ’44% πŸ“ CONDUCT RECORD 12 / 100 🍱 HINA'S TRUST 88 β˜• NANASE'S INTEREST 61 ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

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